I’ve had a lot of space and time to think in recent months, and so eventually in this hiatus you get to feel and see some sort of pattern emerging from the quiet.  For me it has been this recurring theme in books, articles, websites, podcasts and other sources about our lives as being in layers, and that we must be open to renewal.  But how in the world do we do it?  What are we supposed to be doing, exactly?  Or do we just surrender and leave it all to God’s grace.  It can feel as confusing as… well, loving to eat a raw onion.

Two things keep coming up for me: the phrase “versions of yourself” and the word “transformation”.  While we do not have physical layers which we peel off ourselves each time we change our job, or career direction, or after each significant experience we go through, is there some truth to this hiding underneath somewhere?

When I was very young and taking catechism lessons before receiving my first Holy Communion and Confirmation, I remember writing something down in my little workbook about our lives being like onions, and that as we grow through our lives the different layers are stripped away, revealing something new.  I think I also drew a picture of an onion with its layers exposed (just in case the nun who was instructing me didn’t quite get it…). 

I guess I never really understood what that meant until many years later.  Like an onion, we are all a bit rough on the outer layer.  The outer brown (or purple) skin looks smooth, but there is a lot of flakiness and roughness there too.  Some of us still have dirt remaining from being pulled out of the muck (i.e. a situation or experience or ‘hitting rock bottom’), but even if this layer is taken away, others are still there, waiting to be discovered.  It may feel raw and exposed for a while, but it is new and fresh.  All of these years later, I am glad that the onion idea stayed with me because life has proven it to be true.

For a long time we can live with particular layers close to our hearts: “I am a doctor, lawyer, teacher, administrator, singer, etc.”.  And we are judged by what we do, unfortunately.  We then hang onto our labels and careers so that they tend to define us.  We also have other layers such as daughter, son, brother, sister, wife, husband, carer, and so on.  Consequently, we can end up feeling quite lost.

Who am I?

What am I really here for?

Am I happy with who I am becoming or do I need to dig a bit deeper?

By the time this post is published I will be getting ready to attend University again (semester starts next week – yikes!). It will come after a twenty-three-year break since completing my last degree.   I am dipping my toe into it part-time, and pursuing other work, but there is some trepidation.  Having to complete ‘homework’, competing with others who are at least half my age, and getting into the campus groove again, will all no doubt prove to be a challenge after such a long time away.  My time in the workforce was enjoyable for the most part, but it was the other not-so-enjoyable part which propelled me in this new direction.  That is something to be grateful for, as new beginnings are necessary to revive our souls.

Transformation.  We must become better than we were twelve months ago, or what is life for? 

Removing the layers takes time.  It is painful, but exposing yourself to new things, experiences, people, and riding through the uncomfortableness of it, is important. 

I will probably return to my own words come next week, and the week after, and the week after that.  I will perhaps fall silent on the blog for a while as the new layers of me, raw and red, and possibly crying and having a tantrum at having to be assessed again, takes hold.  But I will emerge somehow better, no matter what the literal results will be.

And I would have enjoyed every minute of it.

Promise.

I hope that whatever you are up to – whether you are a returning student like me, or about to start a new job, or will be travelling somewhere unusual, or you are about to quit your job, or whatever – you will do it anyway because you are the type of person to not let those old layers suffocate you any longer.

Pray on it and do it.

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